stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
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Hilarious if literal: arms race
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building