I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
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I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.