Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
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anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
The days of good grammer has went
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now