Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
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Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
i spent way too long on this
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me