LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
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I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Best table by far
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?