I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
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I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard