I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
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Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that