Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
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[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
If only
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Never forget.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids: