Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
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COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Follow me for more fitness tips.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed