*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
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I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.