It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
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Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
*frowns in Scottish*
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.