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I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂