me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
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It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.