I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
“just sayin” who asked you though?
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Happy Taco Tuesday
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.