You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
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God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
🤣
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
sigh
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”