the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
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Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.