GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
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Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.