Travel bloggers during quarantine
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
😂😂😂
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.