I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.