People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
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Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.