[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
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HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Stonehinge
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that