Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
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Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
No way!
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.