there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
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[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.