Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
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2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with