WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
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I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Duolingo getting serious.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.