You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
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To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?