What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
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My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Ah yes. The three genders
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.