No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
You Might Also Like
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller