People who are bad at hiding, I see you
You Might Also Like
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug