HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
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Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”