you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
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You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.