Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
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My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire