Ah yes. The three genders
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I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Finally!
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.