imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
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6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
pizza
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut