One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
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Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Just a reminder, folks:
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I’m crying im so happy for them
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.