“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
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ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage