Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
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Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.