Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
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This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Growing out my freckles.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul