If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
You Might Also Like
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
what it’s like dating me:
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit