Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
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ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra