And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
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How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
how to have an accident 101
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.