Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
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Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.