My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
You Might Also Like
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*