JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
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Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
smartest karate player in the world
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Growing out my freckles.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
We have a winner.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.