Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Schrödinger’s cookie
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”