doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
You Might Also Like
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god