Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
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Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Breaking news:
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Donkey Kong sommelier
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related