I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
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japanese corn
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow