just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
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I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
#damn
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.