DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
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Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Just a friendly reminder!
Namaste
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue